s [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

perhaps I d even speak less well. I find the things we re talking about
so strange! Forgive me...
As I finished speaking, I threw my arms round her neck and laid
my head on her shoulder. She put her arms round me and held me
very tenderly. We stayed like that for a little while. Then, tender and
serene once more, she said:
 Suzanne, are you sleeping well?
 Very well, I replied,  especially recently.
 Do you fall asleep as soon as you go to bed?
 Usually.
 But when you don t fall asleep straight away, what do you think
about?
 About my life so far and my future, or I pray to God, or I cry,
what else?
 And in the mornings, when you wake up early?
 I get up.
 Without delay?
 Without delay.
 You don t like daydreaming?
 No.
 Lying back on your pillow?
 No.
 Enjoying the gentle warmth of your bed?
 No.
 Have you never...
She stopped at that point, which was the right thing to do, for
what she was going to ask me was not proper, and perhaps I shall do
much more harm by repeating it, but I have resolved to hide
nothing...
 Have you never been tempted to consider with some satisfaction
how beautiful you are?
The Nun 115
 No, dear Mother. I don t know if I m as beautiful as you say I am,
but even if I were, one is beautiful for others, not for oneself.
 Have you never thought of running your hands over your breast,
your thighs, your stomach, your flesh, so firm, so soft, so white?
 Oh certainly not, for that s sinful, and if I had done, I don t know
how I would ever have admitted it in confession...
I cannot remember what else we said to each other before someone
came to tell her that there was a visitor for her in the parlour. I
thought that the arrival of this visitor annoyed her and that she
would have preferred to continue talking to me, though what we
were saying was hardly worth a regret. At all events we went our
separate ways.
The community had never been happier than since I had joined it.
The Mother Superior no longer seemed to be as unpredictable as she
used to be, and it was said that I had had a settling effect on her. She
even established on my account several days of recreation and what
were called feast days, when we were given rather better food than
usual, the services were shorter, and all the time in between was
devoted to recreation. But that happy time was to come to an end
both for the others and for me.
The scene that I have just depicted was followed by a large
number of similar scenes, about which I shall say nothing. Here is
what happened after the first one.
Anxiety began to take hold of the Mother Superior. She lost her
cheerfulness, her fullness of figure, and her peace of mind. The next
night, when everyone was asleep and the convent was silent, she got
up. After wandering along the corridors for a while, she came to my
cell. I sleep lightly, and I thought I recognized her. She stopped. She
seemed to be pressing her forehead against my door in order to make
enough noise to wake me up, if I had been asleep. I remained silent. I
thought I could hear a plaintive voice, somebody sighing. At first I
trembled slightly, then I decided to say Ave;* but instead of replying,
whoever was there tiptoed away. She came back a little while later.
The moans and the sighs started again. I said Ave again, and again
she went away. I composed myself and fell asleep. While I was asleep,
someone came in and sat down by my bed. My curtains were half
open, and the light from the little candle she was holding lit up my
face, and the woman who was holding it watched me sleeping, or at
least this is what I surmised when I opened my eyes and saw her
116 The Nun
there. It was the Mother Superior. I sat up with a start. Seeing how
frightened I was, she said to me:
 Don t worry, Suzanne, it s me...
I lay back down on my pillow and said:
 Dear Mother, what are you doing here at this hour? What can
have brought you here? Why aren t you asleep?
 I can t sleep, she replied,  and I shan t sleep for a long time. I m
tormented by bad dreams. No sooner have I closed my eyes than the
sufferings you ve been through come to mind again. I can see you in
the hands of those inhumane women; I can see your hair falling over
your face; I can see your feet bleeding, the flame in your hand, the
rope round your neck, and I think they re going to take your life. I
shudder and tremble, my whole body breaks out in a cold sweat. I
want to go and help you; I cry out; then I wake up, and I wait in vain
to fall asleep again. That s what has happened to me tonight. I was
afraid that the heavens were giving me a sign that some misfortune
had befallen my friend. I got up and came to your door, I listened, I
thought you weren t asleep. You spoke and I went away. I came back,
you spoke again, and I went away again. I came back a third time,
and when I thought you were asleep, I came in. I ve been sitting next
to you for quite some time now, frightened of waking you up. I
hesitated at first about opening your curtains. I wanted to leave for
fear of disturbing your sleep, but I couldn t resist the desire to see [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]